The Inevitability of Eyjafjallajökull

I cannot avoid it any more, it's actually becoming a big thing.

There's a massive cloud of volcanic ash hanging over our country like an eagle out of Birdemic.
You don't know Birdemic? You must, you must.


















But that's not what I was talking about at all.

All this no flying malarkey has produced some interesting effects, not least the awesomely empty skies. Let's have a look at the top 3 Ash-based Stories.

In at number 3 John Cleese took a taxi from Oslo to Brussels. 

He was in Oslo, needed to get back to London, there were no flights, boats or trains. So he paid £3,300 for a taxi to Brussels so he could get the Eurostar back to London. He describes it as "interesting". Well, yeah, it would be, 5 countries, 1.5 thousand kilometers and 15 hours, presumably all with the special taxi radio station. Is that an international station do you think? Maybe it's secretly just a loop of tape installed in all the cabs. What's weirdest about this is that the taxi firm he used weren't that surprised. Apparently they've regularly been hopping across the border to Stockholm (check the map, that's Glasgow to London) and had been as far as Paris. So, 15 hour taxi rides, fairly exciting, no? How can we better it?

Thom Noble, a person, bought a girl-bike in order to get on the Ferry at Dunkirk. It was his wife's birthday, you see, and being in Zurich, he decided he'd quite like to get back for it. So, off he goes across Europe, like some sort of traveller. Gets to Dunkirk and this happens: 

"Hello, I would like to board your ferry" 

"I am sorry but there is no more room for people on my very nice ferry" 

"It is very nice" 

"I know, I made it myself" 

"Really?" 

"No" 

"Good, I wouldn't like to get on it if you did" 

"Well you can't anyway" 

"Could I if I were a car" 

"Yes, but you are not a car" 

"Hmmm..." 

So off he trots to the local Second Hand shop and buys a woman's bike for €29. And back to the ferry.

"Oh, you are now a cyclist, would you like to get on my very nice ferry?"

"Yes Please"

"But maybe you are not a cyclist... If you were a cyclist you would cycle up the ramp onto the ferry"

Apparently there were 5 or 6 of these grown men, forced to cycle up the ramp onto ferry, one of them on a little pink child's bike. And off the sail, back to Blighty, where of course they have to abandon their bikes to get on a bus. Let's hear it for arbitrary rules and Jobsworths resulting in the humiliation of grown men.... yeah...

And best of all, 
DAN SNOW SAVES THE DAY

Dan Snow, Son of Peter-Snow-Superhero (I'll upload that picture one of these days), has been single handedly trying to save all the stranded Brits. He asked tweeple stuck in the queues for the Eurostar to bagsy places on his 5 RIBs, he was apparently going to go back and forth throughout the day at an hour each way including pickup/dropoff.

Here they come to save the day

It was a beautiful plan, orchestrated to all the letters in the alphabet. Except that he forgot the Ferries might be a bit miffed if he just came and stole people out of the queue to give them money. In the end, he managed to get 25 people back using 3 boats. Hmm, not that impressive Dan. Not quite the Dunkirk-scale mission he had in mind. While he did "save" more people than that second hand bike shop, still not that great.

As Dan Snow is such a failure, the people of Great Britain thought there was only one thing for it. SEND IN THE NAVY, seriously, look.

So, there we have it, awesome things can be hidden within mainstream news.
Some stories that deserve an honourable mention, Gary Lineker spent 24 hours in a mental roadtrip across Europe to get for Match of the Day and Whitney Houston had to take the Ferry.

That's enough for tonight, I don't think this post will take any more pictures.

Ooh, another thing, as far back as we can look, the eruption Eyjafjallajökull has been followed by the eruption of Katla, and when that exploded in 1755 Scotland got covered in stuff.

Sounds like fun...

>FACT OF THE DAY: They used to try to resurrect the drowned by blowing tobacco smoke up their arse.  

Massive, Salty Tea

I don't know if you've noticed but there's an election on. Now, there's not much material in there for a blog of this tone, so I thought we'd turn our eyes across the pond to America, so the pond in this case is the Atlantic Ocean... which is very big... and salty... and therefore not a pond at all.

Politics is a lot more amusing in America. Where we have smarmy bastards they have certified nutjobs. Where we have town halls they have sports stadia. Where we have suspicions about our politicians buying too many biscuits, they have suspicions their's are killing people on the sly.

They are also having one of the most ridiculous arguments ever to grace politics and they can't even see it. I'll put it in big so people skim reading will pay attention.
They're having an argument about which political organisation is the true Tea Party 
If you don't believe they don't get the joke, here's wikipedia for you
Apparently they're rightwing headcases who go and stand about in a protesty sort of way whenever they don't like something. 

Little smaller font please love, I can almost read it

Wait, no, I meant to comment on the ridiculosity (that's right, I looked it up)

of the sign. "I want less please, I used to have less and to change is scary"

But, the story I'm here to tell you is this. They are, as you'd know if you looked a wikipedia, apparently named after The Boston Tea Party (an event I've never really grasped, were they just trying to make an ocean sized cup of tea? Because the sea would have to be boiling, but then that is the bit of teamaking that America never grasped) (where would they get enough milk?) (Also there'd be salt in it) (It'd taste rank, trust me, salt does not work in tea, which is odd as it looks so much like sugar) (well that's not that odd really, that's not really how the world works is it?) (But try telling that to the people of the past, when they treated illnesses with herbs that looked like the thing that was wrong) (what was that called? Answers on the back of a postcard) ... I'll start that again


They are, as you'd know if you looked a wikipedia, apparently named after The Boston Tea Party, they believe they encapsulate the spirit of the American Revolution. They do this by wearing a silly hat.

So far, so weird racists. The problem came when a lawyer from Florida called Fred O'Neal launched the "Taxed Enough Already Party". Now the hats and pitchforks brigade have got all uppity and have taken him to court. Apparently he's running a Fake Tea Party, all that makes happen in my head is this:

Granted, I wouldn't elect her into power but I'm not quite sure that's quite what the Campaign for a Massive Cuppa had in mind. Maybe they're gonna try flinging sugarlumps at him and he just won't be able to retaliate because his are imaginary. The Americans get it so little they try to annoy them by calling them "Teabaggers". That's like calling "The Rastard Party" the "The Rasta Party", it doesn't make them look half as stupid as you.

And now, in HIGNFY fashion, I'll end with a picture

Architecture... seriously

Houses.

A lot of houses that are built these days I find hateful. Following is a list of the ways the houses shouldn't look. I know. Gripping.

Right, that's a bad house, eeergh, just look at it. Yellow Bricks and Red Tiles and White PVC. Overhangs, skylights and fake brackets holding things up. It's such a clutter of fake features stuck on a box. It doesn't help that it's a really big house. Look, I get it, you have money, you buy a newbuild, you have cars to put in garages, we need no more clues. With less ostentatious colouring, this house could look alright. Except for that bay window affair... anyway, moving on.

I wonder if houses like this know how fake they look? Maybe they think they look dapper and suave. Well, I'm sorry Mr House, but you're just not. You've got bright orange Window Frames, yeah, but then you've got those RIDICULOUS lintels and sills. WHY? WHY? WHY? What's the point?  You will never look like a farmhouse, no matter how "weathered" you get.

   

Nope, that doesn't look the same. That doesn't look the same at all. Not one bit.

You can't give a newbuild "Character" by giving it nonsensical design. It's not cute or quirky, it just doesn't make any sense. If you want "Character", then by an old house that's had time to get it.

Firstly, get a sense of proportion, that just looks wrong on every level. Next we've got the Yellow Brick... Walls, stop it please. And a balcony. WHY HAVE A BALCONY? YOU LIVE IN A CARPARK. You can't just sit having breakfast in the non-existent morning sun while watching all the cars park. THAT'S SILLY. And the fake planes of glass. GAH. If I ever live here you have the right to burgle me.

But don't.

I'd be upset.

Reptilian eaten by Cat?

First I'd just like to give this a mention

Post cancelled after cat attacks

Royal Mail stops deliveries to a house in Leeds after postal workers are attacked by an elderly cat called Tiger.

If you name a cat after a ferocious predatory animal and it attacks postmen that's your own lookout. No post for you, you idiot. You don't deserve it.


Now, we must hurry, you are in serious danger. I am risking my life to tell you this, but the truth must be known. You are being deceived and have been your whole life. Some of your closest friends are not what you think they are. We are all under the rule of the Lizardmen.


Lizardmen, or Reptilians as their friends call them, apparently come from space... or an ancient civilisation... or centre of the earth. They can shapelift into human form and are masquerading as up to 1/3 of the human race... or just the ones in power... either way, this list includes:

• Al Gore
• Colin Powell
• The Queen and all her sons (We have Diana to thank for that information apparently)
• Tony Blair
• Both Bushes
• Almost all of Bush's government (although some are just under the influence)
• Most of The Congress
• Angelina Jolie 
• Cameron Diaz
• Kylie Minogue 
• Gwen Stefani
• Hitler
• Obama (However I found some people saying he can't be because of the healthcare reform)

Yup, that's what they really look like. Every single one.


Turns out they're trying to control us all... for some reason. They have basic mind-control powers and stuff so it's fairly easy. When they get really angry though their disguises slip and their true form is revealed. Don't believe me? I have proof.

See... No? But it was so well spelled.

The Researcher David Icke who he mentioned, he's the champion of this whole thing. He's also a firm beliver that they come from another dimension but now live on the inside of the Earth, which is hollow. Ahh, hollow earth theory, another one of my favourites. Also, they're the Illuminati...

Anyway, look Reptilians/Reptoids/Lizardmen up, hilarity will definitely ensue.

A few days of disappointment

I was perusing the BBC news "Also in the news" bit, seeing if there was anything to write about in here and came across my new favourite headline of all time. It was:
"Filipino Typhoon in Plagiarism Row" 
However, as is so often the case lately, I was sorely disappointed. It actually said "Filipino tycoon in plagiarism row". Disgusting.

                                    Filipino Tycoon                          Filipino Typhoon

Anyway, another massive disappointment I just had was the realisation that one of the April Fools I listed was actually real. It was one of the worst ones to be real too. Gordon Brown really is releasing a 300 page book of his speeches. Honest. Now I love Gordon Brown... maybe that's a bit strong but he's by and large the best of the awful lot in the broken shit of a system we're left with after HER and at least he uses his washing machine. But Gordon Brown's inspiring speeches are a bit like Hitler's work for charity. If they exist, we're not sure we want to know about them.
>I don't appear to have an overarching theme to all of this so I'll go and have a look for anything to talk about, be right back.




I checked the Metro weird news section and it's all about people doing naked things, look. Anyway, still looking...

...

I've hit the jackpot...

Is that a really, really tiny girl? No. No it's not. It's a fucking massive rabbit (there's so much swearing here today, I'll stop) he's 4 foot long and eats 12 carrots a day. Mental.

Anyway, that'll do for tonight. OOh, almost forgot, do you like the new lick of paint I've given the place? I like fish, fish are good.

Wise Mister April

So, in my first post that's not about a fictional blimp. It's not completely removed though...

What follows is a quick roundup of all the crazy hijinx people of the internet have been up to today.

So, we started off early with the printing of newspapers

• The Sun revolutionised printing technology to bring us flavoured print
• Gillette made a shirt that neutralised all body odour
• The Telegraph reported on ferrets being used to run broadband cables to rural locations
• The Mail told us about the Jetpacks being issued to AA workers to get over the traffic.
• The Guardian had several in, including BMW offering different logos for different political affiliations 

The last 2-4 aren't up to much. 2 and 3 might as well just be real and 4's too ridiculous. I love 1 though. I want to be on the tube this morning and see people licking page 17 of The Sun. 5's just classy. Anyway, onto the internet:

• Touchnote revealed they'd teamed up with BAA to give you the option of a postcard of you body scan
• The iPad was actually just a prank
• The Waterloo and City line was going to be pedestrianised
• The Circle Line was going to be turned into a particle accelerator dubbed "The LHC 2"
• William Shakespeare became French
• A polar bear washed up on the Isle of Mull
• Jim Bowen is to open a Bullseye themed restaurant
• Gordon Brown released a book of speeches and got some new posters

There's some great stuff there but of course for yet another year, google wins

• The big one was that due to the fact Topeka in Kansas changed its name to Google in order to scrounge some free broadband (that bit's actually true) Google had to change its name to Topeka. It's pretty simple but I quite like it. Sort of plausible sounding. Topeka, Topeka Mail, Topeka Streetview.
• Google Wave notifications were to be sent in person
• Google Docs made a feature by which you could upload anything. Anything at all. For $0.10 a kg
• Chrome got sound effects designed to help you intergrate more fully with the web
• Picasa offered an option for life-sized cardboard cutouts
• Youtube reduced their bandwidth by providing text-based versions of all their videos, apparently saving them a dollar for every second of video watched or something

And best of all

• A Google Translate for Animals Android App, need I say more?

If you want any more info on any of them, use google, what am I your servant?

If you're lucky it'll still measure time in Hertz or "Shakes of a lamb's tail"