As I cannot be arsed to construct a structured post of any sort I will just post some rambling thoughts on the nature of stand-up comedy.
I am a fan a surrealism (Ross Noble, Dylan Moran, all that lot) and yet so often it comes off as so pretentious. Noel Fielding's stand-up is cleverly nonsensical and yet when he tries and be popularist (such as occasionally on his twitter) it comes odd as "I'm so random".
I hate Michael McIntyre. I don't care if he knows it, he's super-popular and super-rich. I hate the way he ponces about with that voice. If you look at his old stuff he's fine.
I get into a quandary about comedians like Shappi Khorsandi or Omid Djalili, they only talk about their race and upbringing. Boring bordetring on slightly racist. The quandary comes becomes because I find them quite funny.
A comedians are foreign (Scottish/Welsh) /northern and unnervingly young these days.
Another reason I hate Michael McIntrye is that he's trying to do the whole observationalist thing but I hate him so...
Mark Watson's like the good Hitler.
I like stand-up.
It looks like it's all easy and stuff but I bet it's really kind of not and is not actually just being funny in front of people.
I've had a little too much wine to think past the first few points.
Trains.
Oh... I posted.
Why is it fine to make jokes about a thing just because you are that thing?
I know, I know, in my last post I called it the "25 year rule" and it's now become the "22ish year rule" but hey, who's in charge here? You've probably not heard of it because I think I made it up. It's entirely possible I didn't and that it's an established fact, but again, my blog so shut the hell up.
So, the long and the short of it is this: Things become retro after 22ish years. What this means is that the world works in 22ish year cycles. I hear you screaming out, however, that you thought this was supposed to be about the 80's. Well, you see, under the 22ish year rule the 80's is just going to stop being retro and we're going to go into the 90's. Also, the 80's is a prime example of it.
The 80's is basically the 60's with synths. The hair was long, the drugs were colourful, the young people were doing young people stuff. Sure it's not a perfectly aligned, there was more commercialism and people smiled less, but who cares about facial expressions?
I think that hippy may actually have been Phillip Oakey in disguise. And look, neither of them are smiling, point proven. But surely the 60's are just the 40's? Yes they are, yes they are. In the 50's people wore black you see, but in the 60's and 40's it was brown all the way.
But this means that...
And that's as far as I got, "But this means that" ended the grand experiment. Then it all went wrong. I really shouldn't post these half-finished ones, I should just finish them. But where's the fun in that?
One of the things about the 80's is that there were a lot more things than there had been. People need there to be a lot of things because they had to buy a lot of things. Once people had bought all the things there were then they had to make some more things so that people could buy them.
One of the things that was made so people could buy was the Mobile Telephone.
Picture the scene, you're in a rush. Zurich have been on your tail all afternoon about the figures or something and you really need to make a phonecall to move some money around. Maybe you should have thought about that before you booked lunch with your PA. Well, luckily for you can now thanks to the Mobile Phone. It's like a phone... but mobile. This means you can make a phonecall or two on the go, you're too busy to stop, until the battery runs out of course. You sure will look natty too, look at him go. In the future, all businessmen will have one. I can't see any reason why anyone else would need one, what'd be the point of that?
If you still have some money left after buying your Mobile Phone then maybe you could buy one of these SNES things I've heard so much about. They're apparently like some sort of TV thing that you play these games on. There's this one where you're this guy and you have to jump about the place avoiding monsters and stuff, then you go and rescue this princess bird and all is well. Then there's the one with the angry monkey and the one with the pretty blocks. They're all the rage you know. Maybe one day they could find a way to improve on these games but really, any improvement will be minimal.
HAH, not got so much money for stuff now have you? Well spend what you have left on one of these bad boys. What is it? Well it's just kind of a thing, you know. You're supposed to be able to get all the sides different colours, but don't be fooled, you get your value for money right here. You may think that once you solve it all you have is a useless square of plastic but there's a twist, you see. It's not actually possible to complete it, you'll have "entertainment" for almost half an hour before you discover that and pull all the stickers off to impress your mates.
Other stuff you can buy includes:
Cabbage Patch Kids
Disposable Cameras
CDs
A Remote Control
Betamaxes
A Space Shuttle
Some "Computer" thing, no idea what that's about...
So, hope that's helped with your consumer buying needs, if you need any more help, just give me a bell.
Tomorrow, we remain in the 80's and are due to visit the "theory of 25 years" however I could just get bored and do something else. See you then guys
Hey, if the BBC can get away with having an 80's season, why can't I? There's no reason, I can. That's why I've given this place a bit of the old paint. So, here's for an easy to break promise.
IN THE NEXT 7 DAYS I'LL DO A SERIES OF 5 80's THEMED BLOGS
And why not, I say. Sure I wasn't born and don't actually know an awful lot about it, and the music, which is the one thing I can never talk about on this blog is the one thing I can actually talk about for a length of time. But I'm going to do it whatever you say, you can't stop me.
I made a post yesterday about robots because I had nothing better to talk about. I did though, that's the thing. I've been planning for a while a blog about blogging. It's a funny old thing. It's just kind of... talking about stuff...
So, you've decided to make a blog. What's it gonna be about? Even if it's "just kind of stuff" then it will conform to one kind of stuff. This one was "just kind of stuff" but it's not at all really is it? It's normally just making light of quite serious things with lots of pictures and stuff. Maybe you'll decide you're going to be brave and go for the whole telling everyone everything about you and your stuff. You then commence the treading of the line between openness and telling people you saw a dog today. People don't care you saw a dog, get over it.
Maybe you''ll be specific though, talk about books or music or even dogs. That'd be fine. If you're doing that, you may have a reduced readership at first but when you get fans they're likely to be fanatical and a little bit weird. They'll probably comment a lot and get angry and love you. The disadvantage of this is that you have to pretend you know what you're on about. You have to use lots of fancy words about things and make references to things most of the readers have never heard of.
Ooh, there's no pictures in this blog
That's a lion.
So you've got a blog, you've started posting on it, what now?
Well, what happens next is that you'll actually start to care about it. Care about it far too much. You may accidentally start using Google Analytics to see who's reading what. If you're using Chrome, you may check it so often that you just need to type in "Anal" to the bar to get it to come up. This will probably amuse you no end. You'll worry if people really like it. You'll get nervous about disappointing your readers. All this while telling yourself you don't care if anyone reads it, you just like writing it.
You'll start thinking of yourself as "a blogger" who blogs. This, you feel, makes you somehow different and more intelligent than those plebs. While they're looking at life thinking "Oh look, there's some life" you see life as things you should probably blog about at some point.
If you're super lucky you'll end up with a blog that people think is amazing. Mark Watson's blog is amazing. In terms of the stuff that grows from it, it's kind of the Agar Blog. You probably know about that though. One last picture?
Jamie Theakston there, I don't think he has a blog.
In conclusion, Blogs are kinda weird.
Got a problem with that as a conclusion?
I don't care.
Hah.
It's been so long. It's been... a number of days... you know, between all the days and none of them. My internet was down for a bit of that time and during that time I actually wrote a blog. It's now trapped on another computer (as I got a new one you see, his name's Andrew) and I'll get it off at some point. For now, I'll find something else to talk about... ROBOTS!
Let's talk about robots.
People love robots, robots are awesome. That one's also a tape player, which is useful. Technically, we should be using robots as our bitches by now because we are in the future. We're not though, are we? This is because we've realised that a blender does not need legs. Only when we get so lazy that we need something to go and get the bread out of the breadbin for us will toasters need legs. This doesn't mean we shouldn't try and build one, because, as I may have mentioned earlier, robots are awesome.
In the news at the moment there's been a lot about them trying to see if robots can kill people. Some blokes made a bit of kit that would let a robot know if it was stabbing someone. How tempting would it be to make it think it was a good thing? Or is that just me? Meet my friend, he's called STABBOTRON
There's some other guys who are wondering what would happen if you got run over by Rosie the Robot. They're still doing experiments but I really think I can help them. It'd really hurt.
For now, however, the most we've got to worry about is tripping over Roomba. Roomba's a little bastard, he don't give a damn about pets, he'll make his own bloody way around the room. Woe betide anyone who suggests a better route. Roomba will destroy us all. YEEAAHHH!
I think google and apple should make robots, they could carry your stuff and have apps on. I basically say this because I don't like carrying my books, they're really heavy. If I had a robot he could carry them for me. He'd have 6 legs and be kind of like one of those turrets off Portal. He'd follow me around because he loves me. I love robots, robots are awesome.
Retro robots especially.
ROBOTS NEED LOVE TO.
THEY WANT TO BE LOVED BY YOU.
(That's a Dan Mangan song. Listen to it. Listen to him, he's awesome)
OVERLAP
(That was a reference to the fact that that last bit was in slight overlap with my music blog, which I realise I've never referenced here. It's here and you should pop round, it'd make me happy)
I cannot avoid it any more, it's actually becoming a big thing.
There's a massive cloud of volcanic ash hanging over our country like an eagle out of Birdemic.
You don't know Birdemic? You must, you must.
But that's not what I was talking about at all.
All this no flying malarkey has produced some interesting effects, not least the awesomely empty skies. Let's have a look at the top 3 Ash-based Stories.
In at number 3 John Cleese took a taxi from Oslo to Brussels.
He was in Oslo, needed to get back to London, there were no flights, boats or trains. So he paid £3,300 for a taxi to Brussels so he could get the Eurostar back to London. He describes it as "interesting". Well, yeah, it would be, 5 countries, 1.5 thousand kilometers and 15 hours, presumably all with the special taxi radio station. Is that an international station do you think? Maybe it's secretly just a loop of tape installed in all the cabs. What's weirdest about this is that the taxi firm he used weren't that surprised. Apparently they've regularly been hopping across the border to Stockholm (check the map, that's Glasgow to London) and had been as far as Paris. So, 15 hour taxi rides, fairly exciting, no? How can we better it?
Thom Noble, a person, bought a girl-bike in order to get on the Ferry at Dunkirk. It was his wife's birthday, you see, and being in Zurich, he decided he'd quite like to get back for it. So, off he goes across Europe, like some sort of traveller. Gets to Dunkirk and this happens:
"Hello, I would like to board your ferry"
"I am sorry but there is no more room for people on my very nice ferry"
"It is very nice"
"I know, I made it myself"
"Really?"
"No"
"Good, I wouldn't like to get on it if you did"
"Well you can't anyway"
"Could I if I were a car"
"Yes, but you are not a car"
"Hmmm..."
So off he trots to the local Second Hand shop and buys a woman's bike for €29. And back to the ferry.
"Oh, you are now a cyclist, would you like to get on my very nice ferry?"
"Yes Please"
"But maybe you are not a cyclist... If you were a cyclist you would cycle up the ramp onto the ferry"
Apparently there were 5 or 6 of these grown men, forced to cycle up the ramp onto ferry, one of them on a little pink child's bike. And off the sail, back to Blighty, where of course they have to abandon their bikes to get on a bus. Let's hear it for arbitrary rules and Jobsworths resulting in the humiliation of grown men.... yeah...
And best of all, DAN SNOW SAVES THE DAY
Dan Snow, Son of Peter-Snow-Superhero (I'll upload that picture one of these days), has been single handedly trying to save all the stranded Brits. He asked tweeple stuck in the queues for the Eurostar to bagsy places on his 5 RIBs, he was apparently going to go back and forth throughout the day at an hour each way including pickup/dropoff.
Here they come to save the day
It was a beautiful plan, orchestrated to all the letters in the alphabet. Except that he forgot the Ferries might be a bit miffed if he just came and stole people out of the queue to give them money. In the end, he managed to get 25 people back using 3 boats. Hmm, not that impressive Dan. Not quite the Dunkirk-scale mission he had in mind. While he did "save" more people than that second hand bike shop, still not that great.
As Dan Snow is such a failure, the people of Great Britain thought there was only one thing for it. SEND IN THE NAVY, seriously, look.
That's enough for tonight, I don't think this post will take any more pictures.
Ooh, another thing, as far back as we can look, the eruption Eyjafjallajökull has been followed by the eruption of Katla, and when that exploded in 1755 Scotland got covered in stuff.
Sounds like fun...
>FACT OF THE DAY: They used to try to resurrect the drowned by blowing tobacco smoke up their arse.
I don't know if you've noticed but there's an election on. Now, there's not much material in there for a blog of this tone, so I thought we'd turn our eyes across the pond to America, so the pond in this case is the Atlantic Ocean... which is very big... and salty... and therefore not a pond at all.
Politics is a lot more amusing in America. Where we have smarmy bastards they have certified nutjobs. Where we have town halls they have sports stadia. Where we have suspicions about our politicians buying too many biscuits, they have suspicions their's are killing people on the sly.
They are also having one of the most ridiculous arguments ever to grace politics and they can't even see it. I'll put it in big so people skim reading will pay attention. They're having an argument about which political organisation is the true Tea Party
If you don't believe they don't get the joke,here's wikipedia for you Apparently they're rightwing headcases who go and stand about in a protesty sort of way whenever they don't like something.
Little smaller font please love, I can almost read it
Wait, no, I meant to comment on the ridiculosity (that's right, I looked it up)
of the sign. "I want less please, I used to have less and to change is scary"
But, the story I'm here to tell you is this. They are, as you'd know if you looked a wikipedia, apparently named after The Boston Tea Party (an event I've never really grasped, were they just trying to make an ocean sized cup of tea? Because the sea would have to be boiling, but then that is the bit of teamaking that America never grasped) (where would they get enough milk?) (Also there'd be salt in it) (It'd taste rank, trust me, salt does not work in tea, which is odd as it looks so much like sugar) (well that's not that odd really, that's not really how the world works is it?) (But try telling that to the people of the past, when they treated illnesses with herbs that looked like the thing that was wrong) (what was that called? Answers on the back of a postcard) ... I'll start that again
They are, as you'd know if you looked a wikipedia, apparently named after The Boston Tea Party, they believe they encapsulate the spirit of the American Revolution. They do this by wearing a silly hat.
So far, so weird racists. The problem came when a lawyer from Florida called Fred O'Neal launched the "Taxed Enough Already Party". Now the hats and pitchforks brigade have got all uppity and have taken him to court. Apparently he's running a Fake Tea Party, all that makes happen in my head is this:
Granted, I wouldn't elect her into power but I'm not quite sure that's quite what the Campaign for a Massive Cuppa had in mind. Maybe they're gonna try flinging sugarlumps at him and he just won't be able to retaliate because his are imaginary. The Americans get it so little they try to annoy them by calling them "Teabaggers". That's like calling "The Rastard Party" the "The Rasta Party", it doesn't make them look half as stupid as you.
And now, in HIGNFY fashion, I'll end with a picture
A lot of houses that are built these days I find hateful. Following is a list of the ways the houses shouldn't look. I know. Gripping.
Right, that's a bad house, eeergh, just look at it. Yellow Bricks and Red Tiles and White PVC. Overhangs, skylights and fake brackets holding things up. It's such a clutter of fake features stuck on a box. It doesn't help that it's a really big house. Look, I get it, you have money, you buy a newbuild, you have cars to put in garages, we need no more clues. With less ostentatious colouring, this house could look alright. Except for that bay window affair... anyway, moving on.
I wonder if houses like this know how fake they look? Maybe they think they look dapper and suave. Well, I'm sorry Mr House, but you're just not. You've got bright orange Window Frames, yeah, but then you've got those RIDICULOUS lintels and sills. WHY? WHY? WHY? What's the point? You will never look like a farmhouse, no matter how "weathered" you get.
Nope, that doesn't look the same. That doesn't look the same at all. Not one bit.
You can't give a newbuild "Character" by giving it nonsensical design. It's not cute or quirky, it just doesn't make any sense. If you want "Character", then by an old house that's had time to get it.
Firstly, get a sense of proportion, that just looks wrong on every level. Next we've got the Yellow Brick... Walls, stop it please. And a balcony. WHY HAVE A BALCONY? YOU LIVE IN A CARPARK. You can't just sit having breakfast in the non-existent morning sun while watching all the cars park. THAT'S SILLY. And the fake planes of glass. GAH. If I ever live here you have the right to burgle me.
Royal Mail stops deliveries to a house in Leeds after postal workers are attacked by an elderly cat called Tiger.
If you name a cat after a ferocious predatory animal and it attacks postmen that's your own lookout. No post for you, you idiot. You don't deserve it.
Now, we must hurry, you are in serious danger. I am risking my life to tell you this, but the truth must be known. You are being deceived and have been your whole life. Some of your closest friends are not what you think they are. We are all under the rule of the Lizardmen.
Lizardmen, or Reptilians as their friends call them, apparently come from space... or an ancient civilisation... or centre of the earth. They can shapelift into human form and are masquerading as up to 1/3 of the human race... or just the ones in power... either way, this list includes:
Al Gore
Colin Powell
The Queen and all her sons (We have Diana to thank for that information apparently)
Tony Blair
Both Bushes
Almost all of Bush's government (although some are just under the influence)
Most of The Congress
Angelina Jolie
Cameron Diaz
Kylie Minogue
Gwen Stefani
Hitler
Obama (However I found some people saying he can't be because of the healthcare reform)
Yup, that's what they really look like. Every single one.
Turns out they're trying to control us all... for some reason. They have basic mind-control powers and stuff so it's fairly easy. When they get really angry though their disguises slip and their true form is revealed. Don't believe me? I have proof.
See... No? But it was so well spelled.
The Researcher David Icke who he mentioned, he's the champion of this whole thing. He's also a firm beliver that they come from another dimension but now live on the inside of the Earth, which is hollow. Ahh, hollow earth theory, another one of my favourites. Also, they're the Illuminati...
Anyway, look Reptilians/Reptoids/Lizardmen up, hilarity will definitely ensue.
I was perusing the BBC news "Also in the news" bit, seeing if there was anything to write about in here and came across my new favourite headline of all time. It was: "Filipino Typhoon in Plagiarism Row"
However, as is so often the case lately, I was sorely disappointed. It actually said "Filipino tycoon in plagiarism row". Disgusting.
Filipino Tycoon Filipino Typhoon
Anyway, another massive disappointment I just had was the realisation that one of the April Fools I listed was actually real. It was one of the worst ones to be real too. Gordon Brown really is releasing a 300 page book of his speeches. Honest. Now I love Gordon Brown... maybe that's a bit strong but he's by and large the best of the awful lot in the broken shit of a system we're left with after HERand at least he uses his washing machine. But Gordon Brown's inspiring speeches are a bit like Hitler's work for charity. If they exist, we're not sure we want to know about them.
>I don't appear to have an overarching theme to all of this so I'll go and have a look for anything to talk about, be right back.
I checked the Metro weird news section and it's all about people doing naked things, look. Anyway, still looking...
...
I've hit the jackpot...
Is that a really, really tiny girl? No. No it's not. It's a fucking massive rabbit (there's so much swearing here today, I'll stop) he's 4 foot long and eats 12 carrots a day. Mental.
Anyway, that'll do for tonight. OOh, almost forgot, do you like the new lick of paint I've given the place? I like fish, fish are good.
So, in my first post that's not about a fictional blimp. It's not completely removed though...
What follows is a quick roundup of all the crazy hijinx people of the internet have been up to today.
So, we started off early with the printing of newspapers
The Sun revolutionised printing technology to bring us flavoured print
Gillette made a shirt that neutralised all body odour
The Telegraph reported on ferrets being used to run broadband cables to rural locations
The Mail told us about the Jetpacks being issued to AA workers to get over the traffic.
The Guardian had several in, including BMW offering different logos for different political affiliations
The last 2-4 aren't up to much. 2 and 3 might as well just be real and 4's too ridiculous. I love 1 though. I want to be on the tube this morning and see people licking page 17 of The Sun. 5's just classy. Anyway, onto the internet:
Touchnote revealed they'd teamed up with BAA to give you the option of a postcard of you body scan
The iPad was actually just a prank
The Waterloo and City line was going to be pedestrianised
The Circle Line was going to be turned into a particle accelerator dubbed "The LHC 2"
William Shakespeare became French
A polar bear washed up on the Isle of Mull
Jim Bowen is to open a Bullseye themed restaurant
Gordon Brown released a book of speeches and got some new posters
There's some great stuff there but of course for yet another year, google wins
The big one was that due to the fact Topeka in Kansas changed its name to Google in order to scrounge some free broadband (that bit's actually true) Google had to change its name to Topeka. It's pretty simple but I quite like it. Sort of plausible sounding. Topeka, Topeka Mail, Topeka Streetview.
Google Wave notifications were to be sent in person
Google Docs made a feature by which you could upload anything. Anything at all. For $0.10 a kg
Chrome got sound effects designed to help you intergrate more fully with the web
Picasa offered an option for life-sized cardboard cutouts
Youtube reduced their bandwidth by providing text-based versions of all their videos, apparently saving them a dollar for every second of video watched or something
And best of all
A Google Translate for Animals Android App, need I say more?
If you want any more info on any of them, use google, what am I your servant?
If you're lucky it'll still measure time in Hertz or "Shakes of a lamb's tail"
This is not news in itself, it happens quite a lot and I've never blogged about it before. But then I've never blogged while being duped about the thing I've been duped about.
If you haven't gathered by now there is no such thing as the Aircruise, it was a design exercise by SeymourPowell, a company that has designed vibrators, tampon applicators and the twist-top Lynx cans. In my defence I got it off the news, it's the news's fault, blame the news not me...
Not quite the future I had in mind
When I first heard, I was distraught, the beautiful future was over. But then I realised that what was most beautiful was the concept of majestic hotels floating serenely above our heads. If we all work together we can make this future a reality. There are several problems with the design though:
Hydrogen. Mr Hindenburg showed us the innate problems with that particular gas. The best alternative is Helium, however its density's pretty much double Hydrogen's and therefore we'll need twice as much.
Shape. A big diamond with a very big, flat face is the perfect shape if you're a banker trying to make good to your children after their magical nanny made them realise how lacking you are as a father (too obscure?) but not so much for a flying hotel. It'd need massive amounts of thrust to go anywhere and any wind would ruin everything. How about we just turn it on its side though? Then its super thinness becomes its greatest asset. Aerodynamicism was never a strong point of Blimps.
The fact we don't have any money... Drugs? Prostitution? We'll find a way.
So, what I'm imagining here is an airship twice the length of Canary Wharf, as thick as the original, with loads more engines, some control surfaces wouldn't go amiss either. But the message stays the same, Travel in The Future can be beautiful, slow and luxurious. Wait a moment, I'll do a mockup.
Gee, that is crude. But you can just imagine how great it'd be...
The dream goes that 2100, when a schoolchild is learning about the History of air travel he'll learn that the Aircruise concept was never supposed to be made but then people loved it so much it was made real.
This is, or will be at least, a blog about things, Aural Sex, my music blog, is still my main baby, but this is just like one I babysit sometimes.
This will not be a blog about me, I'm not that egotistical brave, it will be a blog about things I see. Today what I see is the Aircruise:
Some very rich people have been thinking about planes. They don't like them that much, they're crowded, they're noisy and there's plebs in them. And then after the plane you have the hassle of checking into your 5 star hotel and relaxing in the hot-tub. This is all far to proletariat for them and so they came up with Aircruise.
What if you went into a hotel and when you came out you were where you wanted to be?
Then you'd have sailed across the Atlantic in an Airship shaped like a kite and taller than Canary Wharf, powered by solar power and hydrogen. You'd have spent your time with 100 other massively rich people in a penthouse apartment with all round views of the open sky. It'll take 36 hours from London to New York and 3 days Chicago to Singapore.
Imagine seeing a couple of them hanging above the London skyline lazing along at 90 miles an hour...
THE FUTURE ARRIVES IN 2015 AND IT IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING I HAVE EVER SEEN.
