The Mentalist's Speech

Everyone's going on about stammers recently, mainly because it has been shown that someone as attractive as Colin Firth can pretend to have one. I'm not sure if I've ever told you this, internet, but I had a stammer. It still comes back every now and then but I pretty much grew out of it. Unless of course, stammers can be cured by playing with Duplo, seeing as that's all I remember doing at my speech therapy things.

Yes, that's right, more specifically the Duplo farm with haystack conveyor belt. I'm not sure there is a point to this post at all really, but if there is, it's that stammers are something that some people have and that most people who have them stop having. It's not a very good point for a blog post, but hey, fuck you (do I swear in this blog? I forget) it's my fucking blog...  I swear on twitter a lot, the main reason I've blocked my mother on my twitter. But I digress... a lot. Shall we start a new paragraph and see if we can't get this bitch back on track?

So yeah, my stammer. It was many, many years ago, before I could speak well enough to keep up with my brain. So I simply became stupid. If you cannot speak any faster, slow down your brain. I'd have been bullied or something but I've never been a very good bullyee. I tend not to notice.

So in all, I think I've concluded that the solution to bullying is to be slightly unhinged. It may result in you getting bullied even more but hey, what do you care, squirrels can climb pebbledash.

I let this all get away from me.
This is why things shouldn't be this way.

Thoughts on Vertical Funnies

As I cannot be arsed to construct a structured post of any sort I will just post some rambling thoughts on the nature of stand-up comedy.

• I am a fan a surrealism (Ross Noble, Dylan Moran, all that lot) and yet so often it comes off as so pretentious. Noel Fielding's stand-up is cleverly nonsensical and yet when he tries and be popularist (such as occasionally on his twitter) it comes odd as "I'm so random".
• I hate Michael McIntyre. I don't care if he knows it, he's super-popular and super-rich. I hate the way he ponces about with that voice. If you look at his old stuff he's fine.
• I get into a quandary about comedians like Shappi Khorsandi or Omid Djalili, they only talk about their race and upbringing. Boring bordetring on slightly racist. The quandary comes becomes because I find them quite funny.
• A comedians are foreign (Scottish/Welsh) /northern and unnervingly young these days.
• Another reason I hate Michael McIntrye is that he's trying to do the whole observationalist thing but I hate him so...
• Mark Watson's like the good Hitler.
• I like stand-up.
• It looks like it's all easy and stuff but I bet it's really kind of not and is not actually just being funny in front of people.
• I've had a little too much wine to think past the first few points.
• Trains.

Oh... I posted.

• Why is it fine to make jokes about a thing just because you are that thing?

The 22ish Year Rule

I know, I know, in my last post I called it the "25 year rule" and it's now become the "22ish year rule" but hey, who's in charge here? You've probably not heard of it because I think I made it up. It's entirely possible I didn't and that it's an established fact, but again, my blog so shut the hell up.

So, the long and the short of it is this: Things become retro after 22ish years. What this means is that the world works in 22ish year cycles. I hear you screaming out, however, that you thought this was supposed to be about the 80's. Well, you see, under the 22ish year rule the 80's is just going to stop being retro and we're going to go into the 90's. Also, the 80's is a prime example of it.

The 80's is basically the 60's with synths. The hair was long, the drugs were colourful, the young people were doing young people stuff. Sure it's not a perfectly aligned, there was more commercialism and people smiled less, but who cares about facial expressions?

I think that hippy may actually have been Phillip Oakey in disguise. And look, neither of them are smiling, point proven. But surely the 60's are just the 40's? Yes they are, yes they are. In the 50's people wore black you see, but in the 60's and 40's it was brown all the way.

But this means that...


And that's as far as I got, "But this means that" ended the grand experiment. Then it all went wrong. 
I really shouldn't post these half-finished ones, I should just finish them. But where's the fun in that?

... so what happened was...

I got confused and did a blog IN the 80's as opposed to about it...

But then of course I couldn't because there was no blogging apparatus...

So then I had to wait, which explains the roughly 30 year pause...

That's the last time I try anything adventurous...

I was half-way through the next post though, I'll stick that up.

Anyway, I am back now. I will do things, promise.

How to spend your spare 80's money

One of the things about the 80's is that there were a lot more things than there had been. People need there to be   a lot of things because they had to buy a lot of things. Once people had bought all the things there were then they had to make some more things so that people could buy them.

One of the things that was made so people could buy was the Mobile Telephone.

Picture the scene, you're in a rush. Zurich have been on your tail all afternoon about the figures or something and you really need to make a phonecall to move some money around. Maybe you should have thought about that before you booked lunch with your PA. Well, luckily for you can now thanks to the Mobile Phone. It's like a phone... but mobile. This means you can make a phonecall or two on the go, you're too busy to stop, until the battery runs out of course. You sure will look natty too, look at him go. In the future, all businessmen will have one. I can't see any reason why anyone else would need one, what'd be the point of that?

If you still have some money left after buying your Mobile Phone then maybe you could buy one of these SNES things I've heard so much about. They're apparently like some sort of TV thing that you play these games on. There's this one where you're this guy and you have to jump about the place avoiding monsters and stuff, then you go and rescue this princess bird and all is well. Then there's the one with the angry monkey and the one with the pretty blocks. They're all the rage you know. Maybe one day they could find a way to improve on these games but really, any improvement will be minimal.

HAH, not got so much money for stuff now have you? Well spend what you have left on one of these bad boys. What is it? Well it's just kind of a thing, you know. You're supposed to be able to get all the sides different colours, but don't be fooled, you get your value for money right here. You may think that once you solve it all you have is a useless square of plastic but there's a twist, you see. It's not actually possible to complete it, you'll have "entertainment" for almost half an hour before you discover that and pull all the stickers off to impress your mates.

Other stuff you can buy includes:

Cabbage Patch Kids

Disposable Cameras

CDs

A Remote Control

Betamaxes

A Space Shuttle

Some "Computer" thing, no idea what that's about...

So, hope that's helped with your consumer buying needs, if you need any more help, just give me a bell.

Tomorrow, we remain in the 80's and are due to visit the "theory of 25 years" however I could just get bored and do something else. See you then guys

Gonna Party like it's 1980-1989

Hey, if the BBC can get away with having an 80's season, why can't I? There's no reason, I can. That's why I've given this place a bit of the old paint. So, here's for an easy to break promise.

IN THE NEXT 7 DAYS I'LL DO A SERIES OF 5 80's THEMED BLOGS


And why not, I say. Sure I wasn't born and don't actually know an awful lot about it, and the music, which is the one thing I can never talk about on this blog is the one thing I can actually talk about for a length of time. But I'm going to do it whatever you say, you can't stop me.

Blog Blog

I made a post yesterday about robots because I had nothing better to talk about. I did though, that's the thing. I've been planning for a while a blog about blogging. It's a funny old thing. It's just kind of... talking about stuff...

So, you've decided to make a blog. What's it gonna be about? Even if it's "just kind of stuff" then it will conform to one kind of stuff. This one was "just kind of stuff" but it's not at all really is it? It's normally just making light of quite serious things with lots of pictures and stuff. Maybe you'll decide you're going to be brave and go for the whole telling everyone everything about you and your stuff. You then commence the treading of the line between openness and telling people you saw a dog today. People don't care you saw a dog, get over it.

Maybe you''ll be specific though, talk about books or music or even dogs. That'd be fine. If you're doing that, you may have a reduced readership at first but when you get fans they're likely to be fanatical and a little bit weird. They'll probably comment a lot and get angry and love you. The disadvantage of this is that you have to pretend you know what you're on about. You have to use lots of fancy words about things and make references to things most of the readers have never heard of.

Ooh, there's no pictures in this blog

That's a lion.

So you've got a blog, you've started posting on it, what now?

Well, what happens next is that you'll actually start to care about it. Care about it far too much. You may accidentally start using Google Analytics to see who's reading what. If you're using Chrome, you may check it so often that you just need to type in "Anal" to the bar to get it to come up. This will probably amuse you no end. You'll worry if people really like it. You'll get nervous about disappointing your readers. All this while telling yourself you don't care if anyone reads it, you just like writing it.

You'll start thinking of yourself as "a blogger" who blogs. This, you feel, makes you somehow different and more intelligent than those plebs. While they're looking at life thinking "Oh look, there's some life" you see life as things you should probably blog about at some point.

If you're super lucky you'll end up with a blog that people think is amazing. Mark Watson's blog is amazing. In terms of the stuff that grows from it, it's kind of the Agar Blog. You probably know about that though. One last picture?

Jamie Theakston there, I don't think he has a blog.

In conclusion, Blogs are kinda weird.

Got a problem with that as a conclusion?
I don't care.
Hah.